ggcasida

Through it all….

This week has been challenging. It is tougher but not the toughest situation that I’ve been through. I had way worse.

Nevertheless, this struck me dumb. Dissolve all my troubles and make myself like a piece of trash. In a second, all insecurities, paranoia, helplessness and troubles that I thought I all healed and can handle swarming back into my head. All that I was left to do was cry. I felt so victimized that the only thing I could do was to wail. I cannot run to people. To be honest I really have a hard time letting myself loose. And I never had a support system to grow up. Which was weird because I am always surrounded with people. With family and with friends. I love them of course, but I can not rely on them. The harsh truth is that the only one that can console me is only myself. No matter how long it is for me to get it. The only one that could love me unconditionally… is me. 

This concept is not foreign. I’ve heard this my whole life. Read it in every book but it is so hard to accept things even though it is blatantly obvious. It is everywhere but I am not ready for it. It is persistent. It demands to be heard, read and understood, and when I still refused it got forced upon me. And right now I couldn’t comprehend why I live for this long. Hating me in everything.

I tried to imagine myself as someone who is my friend. Is there a point in my life when I know everything I did, the mistakes, the things that I am ashamed of, all the things that I have got through and still hate me if I understand where is it coming from? The answer is a resounding no. I wouldn’t hold it against my head. I wouldn’t put myself in a situation wherein I am so ashamed of the things that I have done I want to kill myself. No person should do that or feel like that by another human being. As corny as it is, we all need to love one another. 

But how can we show up for everyone else when we don’t show up even for ourselves? How can we see to another human that we love them, all of them and the parts they hide when we critique everything we see about us? We tend to shame ourselves for showing up and punish ourselves for the things we fell short for? 

We cannot love ourselves fully when we are nitpicking every single thing. We cannot let ourselves be free when we are the ones who’re shackling and putting us to place. We need to let loose. To understand that we got this. To embrace the unfamiliarity of life and regardless if we fail. Burn ourselves, get hurt and be ashamed. We will love it through it all. 

Do not be a prisoner of your own mind. Be free from it and watch it unfold. Love is not an ever fixed thing. It is transformative and in order to make an impact, we must at all odds embrace it ourselves.